My midlife crisis disrupted something significant in me and I have yet to finish the job. I’ve been working on those finishing touches one “no” at a time. It is a daily struggle and not exactly linear. Progress, setback, setback, progress. I think I’m trending in the right direction because I recently began reading a few books on Buddhism due to my all out obsession with the last season of White Lotus. See? Not exactly linear.
The little Buddhist tricks I have picked up have been tremendously helpful. Pema Chodron, for example, taught me to breathe in pain, breathe out love or something like that. I practice it A LOT. Sometimes, it even works. I could go into all the details that led to what I now label as “the time I ran away” but, I don’t want to and, quite frankly, it’s none of anyone’s business. It was a lot packed into my brain that just needed as much space as I could get to process it. What resulted was what resulted—maybe meant to happen, maybe not, maybe it was part of the healing. As the old saying goes, say it with me now: “You can’t put the shit back in the donkey.”
Therapy for me began when I ran away to Kaua’i and realized that my habit of having really bad images/obsessions repeat over and over in my mind and gasping out loud and/or blessing myself/saying a prayer when I saw them was not, in fact, “normal” and had a name. She didn’t think I was “ready” for medication yet as my previous experience with it had not been great. She was wrong, I was exactly the type of person who absolutely needed meds in order for any kind of therapy to work. Part of that was my fault, I would prepare for therapy an hour ahead of time and practice what I was going to say rather than be 100% honest that I was a hot perimenopausal mess. When it all fell apart was when I left the island and came back here. “I really think I need medication” I told my doctor when I got back. “Ok, let’s start you on some prozac.” With that, everything began to shift and clouds lifted, somewhat. Then, boom, separation and subsequent divorce. Lucky for me, I had found a therapist here who I still see now. In fact, I just made an appointment to start back up after summer. Silly me thought I was healed enough to stop. I’m not.
The last few years in therapy (I’ve been in it since 2018), a lot of what I have focused on is past crap and current crap and how to patch it all up and be able to see all the good, the positive. I have so much amazingness in my life that it is almost embarrassing to admit that I need to work on this. Then again, I also have a lot of stress so I have to be gentle with myself, don’t I? But all that hashing and rehashing of what has happened and what will is getting monotonous. How do I turn the tide? Well, for one, I decided to make therapy goals for myself this year. A short list of about 4 things that I want to work on and why. I want to talk about how to move forward with more progress with all that I’ve got. That’s hard when there’s still a certain ache that sits on the center of my chest somedays, certain things that I can’t seem to ever get over. For me, existential dread really gets to me. That and all the dumpster fire crap going on in the world and being intelligent enough to know that none of it bodes well for our species. Being human, am I right? Pain in, love out, pain in, love out…..Let’s all try more of that, shall we? At least one Pema Chodron book should be on your bookshelf, trust me.
I reached out to my therapist again yesterday after our trip to Mattapoisett. There, I realized that I am not yet done healing and I’ll probably be a therapy lifer. I’ve accepted that and good thing my therapist likes me…I think. But seriously, I found myself spiraling this week and said “uh-oh” and did not hesitate to reach out. I tend to spiral when stress goes up, it’s a bad habit but my awareness of it has become key to my survival. “You’re spiraling”I say to myself. Then I link in that Pema Chodron trick I learned and breathe in the pain and do something positive, good. Just like that, I stepped out of that vortex and back into the light. Will I still keep my appointment? Hell yes. But, for now, I’m good. Progress, though unlineal, is something to be proud of. Plus, this is my 293rd article. How about that, eh? Go me.