It has been two or three weeks since I deactivated Facebook and I have yet to regret this decision. The beast was feeding me poison and I finally got wise to it and shut off its direct line. I’m not saying this is forever but I will say that this has been beneficial to me in this supercharged moment in history and I recommend it to all those whose skin itches every time you shudder to watch the news. I am not ignorant to what is happening in the world, I live in a place where news is streamed all day long. I am, however, ignorant to the world of consuming and sharing news in a feckless attempt to change a situation over which I am powerless. I’d like to stay this way for a while if you don’t mind, it’s working for me.
Although I have found a way to escape one of the rabbit holes of the current situation, the fact remains that I am surrounded by the current situation everyday…on top of being Mom, daughter, teacher. I used to be able to shut the noise off and find ways to get away from it. But, that led me to isolating myself in the sunroom a lot and I found that wasn’t all that healthy either. Sure, it was peaceful and I got to put my head back on so to speak. Then I realized that sometimes finding my peace was a giant act of avoidance. So, I tried to start doing the opposite. Rather than avoid the noise, I have leaned in. I sit where it is noisiest, absorb all the nonsense of the world, and pray that I have the ability to lean in without losing my marbles. So far, so good. We watched 60 Minutes tonight and are now watching Cyndi Lauper’s final concert. Yes, my very first childhood idol is retiring. I feel old but I sit next to a soon-to-be 91-year-old so I can never say that out loud.
Speaking of Mom, her birthday is tomorrow and she keeps reminding me it’s a “big one”. For her, 91 is significant. No one in her family has lived beyond that age and she is convinced that she will not be the first to do so. I have mostly scoffed at that because the woman has defied the odds every single year, including a stint in the ICU last year with pneumonia and sepsis. But I understand where she’s coming from, at least as much as I can, and want to try to be better about allowing space for that feeling no matter what. It is no small feat to reach the age of 90 and go beyond. From what I can tell, absolutely no one can do it without taking a few hits off the chin and messing up a lot. Perfection in living these years has not been achieved by any human I know and we in this family are no exception.
Through everything our family has endured—the good, bad, and ugly—this woman has been solid ground to so many of us, time after time, related and not related. I’m going to study this, quite closely, to try and understand how to do exactly that but my way. Cyndi Lauper just sang “Time After Time” with John Legend, Mom looks on while playing her bubble games telling me that all this music is not her era. She’s indulging me though, and I appreciate that. What a perfect song to end on. Wishing Mom a very happy 91st birthday tomorrow.