Photo credit: Anne Taintor
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But unlike George Michael’s love interest in his melancholic holiday tune, you didn’t give it away the very next day and that sure says a whole lot of good about all of you. I spilled my guts here and allowed you and random strangers to read all about my warped plot twist. Then more shit happened, then more….and you still kept reading. Wow.
This is my 60th issue. I didn’t know if I could do it when I started issue one but I did something I rarely do—I pushed myself. I pushed myself to reveal things I had previously revealed to no one and dared myself to see the humorous lining of every shitty thing that has ever happened to me. David Sedaris had a lot to do with lighting the way on that front. Laughing in spite of yourself is the recipe to successful humanity. If you can’t find the humor in your 16-year relationship falling apart while living with your three kids, octogenarian parents, and semi-toothless stinky dog, what’s the point of living?
I recently re-entered the dating world after not having gone on a first date for, well, 16 years. The last time I did any dating, I needed to use eye contact and my actual voice box. Now all I need is my pointer finger and thumbs. Swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, swipe rrrrrrleft, swipe right, swipe left. The things I am asked in just a few lines of chat would make Madonna blush. Call me old-fashioned but at least offer to buy me a drink first before asking which orifice I prefer. Have some class ye merry gentlemen.
Although I am acutely aware of my flaws, quirks, and idiotic idiosyncrasies, I have very high dating standards. I am, without doubt, a winning-the-lottery kind of catch. I don’t say that to be vain or self-aggrandizing. It’s just that there are so few people in this world who happily own all of their shit and flaunt it to boot. Maybe that’s intimidating, maybe that’s refreshing. I don’t know. What I do know is that potential suitors should be very aware that I raised my freak flag a year ago with Evergreen & Grey and I now wrap myself in its glory. And it’s a cozy, fur-lined flag because...of course it is. Life is far too short to not wear fabulous things, boys. No longer messing around with this next trip around the sun. Still interested? How very brave of you. Forewarned = forearmed. Entertained + Dazzled + Unpredictable = good catch. Your call.
On a completely different but equally important note, the other night I did stand up as Evergreen & Grey for the first time. Inspired by the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, art that my life now imitates, I have embraced the fact that I can make people laugh at and with me. I’m not going to say that I knocked it out of the park but it was, at the very least, a base hit. The Empress Corvette was a tough act to follow but I did it and am so glad I did. I have so much to say and such a teeny tiny filter. Toeing the line, per usual. When have I ever not done that?
I don’t know what’s going to happen this year. I don’t even know what’s going to happen today. I am ridiculously behind in my holiday shopping and my debit card got hacked about an hour before my set the other night. Perfect fucking timing, right? All I do know is that, for whatever reason, I am happy. Cranky (and sometimes completely batshit crazy) moments still slam me in the face every week. But, in the words of Chumbawumba, “I get knocked down, but I get up again. You are never gonna keep me down.” So true, Chumbawumba, so true.
The earth around these parts has settled into its evergreen and grey hues yet again and I am reminded of how that starkness inspired me last year. Thank you, subscribers, for not giving my heart away when I gave it to you post-Christmas last year. I started with one full subscriber and I now have twenty-one. Not exactly rockstar status but you twenty-one are my people and I thank you for your faith in the talent and abilities of this one messed up human. Grateful is such an overused word but it’s exactly what I am—full of gratitude. And being full of gratitude is so much better than being full of shit, don’t you think?
So go ahead and use me for your holiday gossip this year. Everyone loves a good crazy lady story. And, if you dare, stop by the next time you see me standing with a mic. Entertained + Dazzled + Unpredictable + ? Bring it on 2020.
I am dazzled by you. So very glad you are in my life