Though we are biologically programmed to fear death, we are also programmed to shove that fear into a corner somewhere in order to go about our daily lives. But, when death permeates every aspect of your daily life, it’s damn near impossible to put fear anywhere but your frontal lobe. Things are pretty bleak right now and to ignore that is childish denial. Every single day we are hearing about, seeing, and confronting death. And most of us are still brushing our teeth, putting on clothes, and showing up. I even put on makeup and lipstick. How about that?
We humans like to pretend all is well to the point that we almost believe it ourselves. Every so often, despite the human strides made in this uphill battle of a year, I have found that all of the above thrown onto the chaotic backdrop of my life slaps me in the face and knocks me down. Concentrating has been very difficult lately and I get cranky. My kids can attest to this and I’m sure others can too. I’m just having a hard time dealing with bullshit plus shenanigans plus drama. Telling you that is part of acknowledging the greyness of being and particularly the greyness of being during a pandemic. Confront and deal with truth, then look for strength and perseverance. Grey then evergreen until all is evergreen and grey.
On Halloween night, I drove home and wondered if the vibrant gold and orange hues of the trees still existed in the dark. Strange how the way we view things is so dependent upon the light that is shed. And now, as I sit here writing about light, I see a warm sun rising and the trees are illuminated; their trunks gold not grey. A coyote just ran through my backyard, his coat matching the colors all around him. So beautiful. “Be the light, kids, be the light.” This was what I told my students the day after the election when I could see that the uncertainty of everything right now was getting to them. The only advice I could give was to radiate in darkness. No, that does not mean ignore all the horrible things. It means to confront those horrible things with a strength that you flaunt and a determination to do whatever good you can within your sphere. Yes, the trees are still orange and gold. Beauty will not be obscured no matter how hard the darkness tries.
As we march on and the globe continues to spin with COVID in the air, milestones are still being reached and celebrated and that is what is truly beautiful about our existence on this planet. My sister turns 60 today and I have to say, without hesitation, that she is one of the best humans I know. By being a constant ray of light and positivity for those she cares about and for, she embodies the peace and love that emanated from the decade that witnessed her birth. Thank god she was born first because I think if we traded birth order, Mom and Dad would have probably run off to some hippie commune and I would still be defrosting in that snowbank Dad tossed me in to cool off when I had an epic tantrum at the ripe age of 18 months. Mom and Dad are so lucky Jan was first; there really is no better leader for our family. If you have something bad to say about her, go talk to someone else because I just might punch you in the mouth. Though 17 years separate us, we are grey-haired twins and I am so glad I too have embraced her “getting older is a privilege” mantra that she has held since beating cancer nearly 15 years ago. Screw hair color when silver is trying to shine through. Silver hair to compliment her heart of gold. Soon we will toast her entrance to a new decade and celebrate with just a few of her favorites. The days of big parties have been put on hold and maybe that’s not such a bad thing after all. Milestones are meant to be savored, not just reached. 60 is a big deal and should be treated as such, especially when you’ve been a kick ass daughter, sister, and friend all 60 of those years. Happy birthday, Jan. Thank you for always being a shining example of what it means to “be the light”.