Shady Pines
E&G | Issue 95
My close proximity to two elders and a cuckoo clock has turned me into somewhat of an old lady before my time. I feel much older than I am and my complete intolerance for any kind of bullshit is where that shows the most. “I’d like to tweet him!” Mom yelled earlier this week at the evening news. Trump had gotten on one of her last nerves with his ‘don’t fear COVID’ ridiculousness, a move that she described as “indiscriminate” and “morally bankrupt.” “I’d like to tweet him off the Earth” she said. Yes, I am working on her having a Twitter account because that is something we ALL need to see.
Mom’s birthday was Tuesday and a few family members gathered to celebrate. Aside from the fact that Dad could not keep his fingers out of the cream cheese frosting I was whipping up, all went well. Mom screamed at him upon the third dipping of his finger so I gave him his own personal bowl of frosting. “Wonderful!” he said as he ate it up. As we all sat around enjoying our carrot cake, the topic of Thanksgiving came up. “I’m having it.” Mom said defiantly. “It’ll be under 25 people so I’m having it!” Hmmm. “Let’s table this discussion for tonight” I said, knowing there was no winning against this hostess with the mostess. Not on her birthday.
The intersection of COVID, Mom, and social gatherings is, I believe, where one might find the nexus of the universe. Insisting upon sharing joy flies in the face of this pandemic and it’s hard to argue with her brand of fortitude. My being part old lady does not help. I shrug my shoulders and just start looking up outdoor tents and propane heaters. I heard that there is a blow up outdoor pub. Now wouldn’t that be something. I am currently holding myself back from Googling that right now. Facebook is going to have a field day trying to figure out what ads to target at me after this search.
“Shady Pines, Ma” I say to Mom several times a week. This is the nursing home that Dorothy threatens Sophia with on The Golden Girls. I have found this to be a very useful way of taming and diffusing this mama dragon. She won’t like being called a dragon one bit but when someone is a force larger than life, what other creature can I choose? Although I am certainly not as tall as Bea Arthur, we are a lot like Dorothy and Sophia. We laugh, we cry, and we fight like two drama queens. We get over everything and move on. And, whaddaya know, that is exactly what my daughter and I do. Mom begot me, I begot my daughter. The force is strong with these queens. Although Trump has yet to feel the heat of Mom’s future tweet, I look forward to helping her craft her very first 280 character message. Perhaps that is the October surprise we have all been waiting for. If there is any place better than this nexus of the universe to swing an election, let me know. Until then, these queens will plan and plod this tweet that will hopefully be heard round the world. Shady Pines, Donald. Shady. Pines.