The line to get in to the theater at Plimouth Pawtuxet felt a little bit like the one you would wait in to get into heaven; my hair was the least white there and I’ve been going grey for the last 20 years. “The Linn theater is very cold.” they announced to us, warning of a less than comfortable movie going experience. They took only cash as we came in, “exact change only.” we were told. Luckily Thomas always carries bills in different denominations. One of the many things I love about him—he’s old school like that.
As we all shuffled to our seats, I threw on my extra large Maine hoodie and huddled next to Thomas for warmth. A man came in and said “We can’t do anything about how cold it is. We tried. If it gets to be too much, we’ll give you a ticket to come another time.” Now I was getting the giggles.
“I’m beginning to see what demographic I fall into for targeted Facebook ads” I said to Thomas, explaining that the whole reason I knew about this movie was because Facebook had told me.“I don’t know if I like this.”Everyone in that theater seemed to be a few years shy of Mom’s age, old people are always cold.
“Do you have any deer pelts??” someone yelled from their seat. It did not surprise me to hear that this man did, in fact, have deer pelts but “with all the rain” they might be a bit smelly which would cancel out the warmth they would provide. “What about the gift shop?” I whispered to Thomas though not loud enough to be heard. I had entered a splinter of reality in this theater and I was loving it.
There were no previews. I believe the movie starts with what sounds like a flatline. Then it began, one of the most incredibly life affirming movies I have ever seen. I can’t really explain what it was about, it’s a movie that is best experienced and I’ll let you decide what you think. I like my movies weird with a little existential angsty beauty. If you don’t like that kind of thing, it might not be for you.
The thread that wove its way throughout this movie was the line “I contain multitudes.” which, of course, is a line by my second favorite Transcendentalist Walt Whitman. I took my students on a walk the other day and told them that during COVID people were hugging more trees to feel connected to something. “I’m not tryin’ to be no Transcendentalist.” one student said. “You could be worse.” was my response. Do I contradict myself?
This year of teaching while parenting, daughtering, sistering, friending, and writing has been tough. I’ll admit that there have been days when I believed in everything negative the world was telling me, that we were all doomed. I wrung my hands and spoke words of harshness instead of peace because I thought it was the right thing to do when everything was just so wrong.
Then I read When Things Fall Apart. Then I saw Life of Chuck.
The sum of this year comes down to that line—“I contain multitudes.” This year has brought moments of incredible joy and unimaginable suffering. Tears and laughter have filled our days. If there is anything that living among the dying has taught me it is to have patience during both discomfort and delight, to not rush anything because everything is meant to be part of your story. I watched Mom squeeze into the recliner with Dad and put her head on his shoulder on the night of his birthday, about three months before he passed. “That’s love.” I told J.D. It was a rare moment of tenderness shared by the two who made my existence possible. I have a photo of it which felt wrong at the time but I couldn’t let that moment of beauty just live in my memory. We are very large, we “contain multitudes”, don’t we? Do we contradict ourselves? Very well then we contradict ourselves;
Happy Father’s Day to the one whose heart will always beat on in us.
...I was determined not to cry today. Failure.,