“Maybe God made this whole world” Maire whispered as we walked through the sacred Rudraksha forest across the street from our house on Kaua`i. Not having raised them with any particular religion, I’m always taken aback when the kids mention God. I like it that way, actually. A supposition of magic when all other explanations fail. If there is any place where you can actually feel “God”, that forest is it. Littered with blue marble-like seeds from the trees with a humble statue of Ganesha guarding the entrance, it is the definition of peace. The seeds are said to be descendants of a single tear from the Hindu god Siva when he wept from heaven over the dire situation we humans had created for ourselves. I get that Siva, I sure do.
A number of stars aligned on that mountain to destroy the image of perfection we had envisioned with our journey to Kaua`i. Astronomically high cost of living, absolutely no sarcasm, fucked up office politics, unchecked OCD, and not a single family member to be found all combined to make me miserable in paradise. That and my best friend wasn’t there; an absence I had completely underestimated. I sought peace at the Hindu Monastery down the street and in that Rudraksha forest. A strange calm would find me in those places, a feeling of ok-ness when everything wasn’t. Meditating inside a banyan tree in front of a giant statue of Siva can do that for your soul. Things were shattering and I could only look up and within for guidance.
I bought a bracelet with a Rudraksha bead at that monastery. The monks there collected those marbles from the forest floor, cleaned off the blue flesh, and then prayed over them before turning the seeds into bracelets, necklaces, and even keychains. They say the beads have protective properties and that may be complete bullshit. But that bracelet was with me through some very stormy days until it busted apart just over a month ago. Desperate for that protection again, I thought about ordering a new bracelet from the monastery’s online gift shop. That is, of course, until I thought more about the creative and destructive powers of Siva. Perhaps this bracelet was meant to be destroyed.
My best friend has always said that the shit cannot put back into the donkey and this saying comes up in my life time and again. Shit happened as a result of our move to paradise, shit that the donkey simply can’t take back. Things got really rough about a year ago for me and I often thought about the calmness of that monastery and that forest during those days. I longed for the peace I felt there and wanted to return for just a minute or two to hear, see, and smell those surroundings again. The shards of a shattered life were everywhere and I clung to that bracelet like a rosary. It reminded me to breathe, stay calm, and embrace the destructive forces of Siva at work.
The beads of that bracelet now sit in my jewelry box alongside those symbols of promise and marriage; a bittersweet pairing of adornments once prized. I am not religious and will most likely never commit myself to one belief. I will, however, always be spiritual and completely enamored with the story of Siva and how it came to intersect with mine on that mountain on Kaua`i. Creation, destruction, preservation, obscuration, and revealment—these are the powers of Siva that have marked the chapters of my life over the past 16 years, unbeknownst to me until now. We were meant to be alongside that monastery and forest. I can transport my brain to the banyan tree and can still smell the earthiness of rainy days on those sacred grounds. I will admit that Kaua`i played a hand in our destruction but I have no regrets. Siva only destroys to make things better and stronger. Living a good life is about forging forward despite the anguish of destruction and clouds of obscuration. Revelation happens when rings have been taken off and a cherished bracelet finally breaks. Suddenly you realize it was never those things that held you together. It was you, divine you, all along. Yes, Maire, perhaps God did make this world. It is up to us, however, to make what we want of it. Time to worship all that you were, are, and meant to be.